Top 20 Club Cliches

Please note: I wrote this article over 15 years ago and absolutely nothing has changed. Here is what I wrote in 1993...

After more than 20 years in the Oriental dance world, I have learned the unique language spoken by club owners. The words may be spoken in English (albeit broken English), but a translation is still needed. This is because the meanings are often quite different from the words. The bosses are not inherently evil, but most of them simply do not do business with dancers on an honest basis. Most of this is a culturally-imposed phenomenon. These bosses are deliberately indirect. You must expect that they will not do business the same way we do because they play by different rules. You must expect that they will always look for the best possible "deal" for the cheapest possible price. They do not expect to pay the first price quoted. There are exceptions. We have all had good bosses. I have even known dancers who married their bosses and live very happy lives. There are jobs where the club owners treat us with the utmost respect, invite us to join them for their evening meal and treat us like family. This article is not written for them. To the good bosses, I offer my gratitude and an apology for this article. This piece is written for the other ones. You know the ones I mean. The truth would blister their lips.

I have looked forward to writing this article for quite some time. In fact, I have been waiting for a killer PMS to set the mood. I'm in the midst of a real "humdinger," so this seems like a good time to start. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, I begin.

1) Boss: "We are going to change the schedule. You can take the night off and we'll call you." This means you are probably fired or you will soon be fired. They are trying out replacements for you or they have already replaced you and don't have the nerve to tell you.

2) Dancer: "What time is the show?" Boss: "Well, it depends." What this means is that "business is not so good" and they want you to hang around until customers come in. This is why they do not want to commit to a show time. Besides, if you sit in the club, it looks as though there is another customer there. A pretty woman in the audience is always a lure for other customers.

3) Boss: "We are going to re-evaluate the pay scale in two months. If you will work for the lower pay now, we will give you and all the dancers a raise then." This means that you will never get the raise. In two months, they will have another excuse. Tell them that WHEN they have changed the pay scale, you will be happy to come. Do not waste your time waiting. If you fall for this and then quit when they fail to keep their promise, they still got you cheaply for two months.

4) Boss: "You have to stay all evening because we never know when more customers will come in and we may need another show" or "because we all work together here, like a family, so we come in together and we leave together." What this means is that they will get more mileage out of your presence. One more pretty face in the club is good for business.

5) Boss: "We don't like our dancers to work in other places because we want them to have loyalty to our place." What this means is that they want to own you. The boss wants the customers who will come specifically to see you, to spend their money at his place and not another place.

6) Boss: "We have our dancers split her tips with the band because the musicians work all night and she only dances for 25 minutes." The band will never share THEIR tips with you. The boss can get away with paying them less this way. He is paying them with YOUR money! Not one cent of the tips are from the club owner's pocket. This is a rip off...always has been and always will be.

7) Boss: "I want you to meet a friend who is a very important customer." This is the boss's way to make his customers happy at your expense. I usually say hello and beat feet. I have an arsenal of excuses ready: I have to fix my costume, get ready for the next show, make a phone call, talk business with someone, go to another job across town, water my camel, exercise my snake, etc. If you get into the habit of sitting with customers, you will have to do it forever.

8) Boss: "It is good exposure." This usually means that the job does not pay or that it pays very badly. I wonder about this exposure thing. It makes me chafed. Don't fall for it.

9) Boss: "We have all of our girls audition during the evening hours so we can see if the audience responds well to them." What this means is that the boss will get a free show (and often tell the regular girl not to come that night--see #1). He will know a good show when he sees one. Offer to give them a video, invite them to see your show at another club or agree to audition when they are closed. As a last resort, agree to audition during the evening and chalk it up to a business expense. At least get him to give you a free dinner and keep all our tips.

10) Boss: "We agreed to $60." Dancer: "No, we agreed to $65." Boss: "You are so cheap that you would fight for only $5?" Dancer: "Yes." This boils down to the game of trying to get the lowest price at any cost. HE is willing to fight over the lousy $5. But if he can make you feel that you are being stingy, he will: get his $5, curse you behind your back for being a fool and laugh at his own "cleverness". Don't fall for it.

11) Boss: "Call us at 7:30 to see if we need you at 9:00." This is a disturbing trend in clubs. It is not your fault that their business is bad. They do not want you to get another job because they want you to be available IN CASE they need you. They want to own that time slot. This costs them absolutely nothing, but it costs you plenty--usually a night's wages. If you reject job offers for that evening because MAYBE they will need you and their business is slow that night, you lost a night's pay.

12) Boss: "My cousin will write you a check, but he is not here now. Can you come on Saturday?" This usually means that they are trying to get out of paying you. Sometimes, they will even "forget" their English. If you came back on Saturday, they may be closed, or the cousin will be hiding in the back office. Insist on getting your pay at the appointed time.

13) Boss: "Business is slow, honey. So, can we give you half of your money now and all of the rest of it next week?" What this really means is that their business is "down for the count". Next week, it is unlikely that the boss will pay you the full amount, but he will pay you some. If you fall for this, in a very short time, he will owe you so much money that you are afraid to quit because you keep thinking that he will get caught up. You will reason that at least some money each week is better than nothing and, after all, they catch up some time, right? WRONG! They will NEVER catch up. It will cost them more to start with a new dancer who hasn't or won't fall for this. So, insist that you must be paid in full, in cash, each night. And start looking for another job.

14) Boss: "Can you dance a little faster, sexier, gain a few pounds, lose a few pounds, grow your hair longer, make your feet shorter, show more leg, grow 6 inches taller...and don't you have another costume?" This means that they are not happy with you for some reason. You will probably never know that reason and their remarks probably have NOTHING to do with the truth. Once, when a club owner told me that I was too thin, I told him that if he paid me more, I could eat better. Then, he shut up. If they continue to "pick on" you, start scouting around for another job. They may fire you soon anyway.

15) Boss: "Can you dance for an hour?" Dancer: "If I danced for an hour, they would have to take me out on a stretcher." Again, we see the boss trying to get more mileage out of the dancer. Force them to be reasonable. Ask him to imagine how he would look after he ran around the block for an hour. Tell him: "Nobody who is an experienced professional will agree to dance for an hour. If they do, they don't know better."

16) Boss: "Can you do a 30-minute show?" Dancer: "Yes, I can." Boss: "What about two 15 minute shows." Dancer: "Yes, there will be an additional cost for the second show." Boss: "But that is really one show and I will give you a break in the middle. So I will pay you the same amount for one show." No! No! No! Two shows are two shows. You must have prepared two costumes, two sets of music and there is time spent in between when you have to change and wait around.

17) Dancer: "You still owe me money." Boss: "No, I already paid you in the last check. I know I already paid you, but I can't prove it to you because I keep "the belly dancer books" at home. You come back another day and I'll prove it." On another day, the boss will tell the waiters to tell you that he is not there and the non-existent "belly dancer books" will still be"at home." Get your money before you leave the building.

18) Boss: "I did not tell you to come tonight!" What this means is that business is bad on that night and they don't want to pay you for coming in. This is an excuse to get out of paying you.

19) Boss: "I'll work with you and you work with me." This usually prefaces something that you will not want to hear, so brace yourself.

20) Boss: "I want you to meet my nephew. He is a very good boy. He wants to take you out for coffee." These businesses are family-run operations, so everyone (no matter how distant the relation) is someone's "cousin" or "nephew". This does not constitute a character reference. "Dating" the staff is treading in treacherous waters. These men are notorious for saying that you did things that you never did. Tell the boss you have a boyfriend. The next time you are given any of these statements, you will have an advantage. You know the "Artemisian Translation System." You know what they really mean. They don't know that you know, but you know. They think you are behaving in accordance with the truth. You can choose not to let them in on your understanding. Either way, you will get the last laugh. If they tell you they are changing the schedule, you can be out scouting for a new job and have other potential gigs firmly tucked away in the wings! Or, you can take another job and quit before they fire you. Ha!

Well, I feel much better. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to take a Midol.